Marriage

Marriage what a treasure. Such a sacred institution between two people committing for a life time to love honor and serve one another. It's NOT always easy. Infant most days it's hard work. Full of compromise vomiting children pooping dogs and too little money. Sometimes it's hurt feelings wrong things said words spoken in anger fatigue or even revenge. Often times those words cut deep! Deeper then even the act of not putting your socks in the dirty clothes basket. Sometimes you can even be trying to defend your spouse or bring truth you think needs to come to light. Yet have you talked that over with your spouse? What if they aren't ready what if they choose to forgive and don't want drama or want defending. Part of marriage is supporting your spouse in his or her decisions. If we can't trust our mate who can we trust. I know that there are things BIG THINGS even sometimes ( never ever stay in an physically or mentally abusive relationship)but God can redeem anything AND anyone!!! So many times it's our own hearts that need to change,but we are so busy judging the spec in our spouses eye instead of asking God to remove te plank from our own. Im love dareing you all to make the first step. Fall on your knees and beg God to change your heart. To give you new love and new understanding for your spouse. To flood you with all that is good about them. To gently change what needs to be changed in you! For change starts in you this day!

243 baby!!!

Oh my gosh real results I'm doing it ya'll!!! I started off at 257 when I started my journey and guess what I weighed in at this morning 243 YES YES YES!!!! LOL seeing those numbers go down tastes better then any sugary starch carb ever did!! And my undies are fitting me so loosely as are my pants! I could just cry! I know I still have a long way to go but you know what one day at a time. One step at a time! I'm doing walk away the pounds did I mention that. Anyway it is soooo great just love the fact come rain or shine I can get my exercise in. I'm so proud and so motivated. I spent most of my 20's very overweight. Well no I'm gonna spend my 30's healthy and sexy lol :) My hubby is actually kinda weirded out because he thinks I'm ultra hot lol but he is SO supportive. He knows I don't like my body and he knows I want to be healthy more then anything. So he keeps telling me how proud he is and how he looks forward to a long life with me :) Anyway got homeschooling and my walk to do and a load of laundry to get in....plus I really should dust again lol :)

Me and my journey to a NEW me

Ok sooo I started gaining weight after my first failed engagement. It was so silly of me to ever even date the guy. I was still so wounded and what I thought was in love with my ex-boy friend. It ended up being a terrible and abusive relationship...never told any really had bad it was. I would actually lay awake and night and try to figure out how I'd save enough money to run away from him after we got married. Well, once he left me 3 weeks before the wedding though I was embarressed and hurt from all he'd put me through I was SO relieved. I ended up dating an old high school sweet heart for a long while. It was a great time in that we were great friends and he took me just as I was bags I brought alone and all lol. BAD part was that they were all ya know 6'5" and thought me to skinny so we ate all the time lol I mean seriously all the time. So I packed on 40 lbs! We split on good enough terms just realized how different we were and how much we wanted out of life was soooo completely different. So I was doing a good job at least staying the same when I left for college was there a year got married and immediatly got pregnant with my sweet sweet Kelly Grace. That is a complete story in of it's own, but she passed away only a few short moments after she was born. It ripped my heart and soul from me. I fell into a dark whole of depression and gained about 20 more lbs. Yet then came my sweet sweet M the joy of my life back in my heart. I thought life was going great until I found a letter in my coat pocket....3 days before christmas and 2 weeks before then husbands return from Korea...it was a letter to his mistress which he had written on the plane to see me while I was giving birth to M....my world crumbled yet I despretely wanted a Father for my daughter did not want the big D in my life...so I said lets work past this and got pregnant immediatly upon his return for him to six weeks later say to me married life and daddy life wasn't for him walk out my door get in my car drive off through his ring out the window as he drove off never to return. So ya the next 2 years of my life were very hard. Times I would cry myself to sleep to wake up crying again. I packed on an amazing 40 more lbs. If you've kept track that is an amazing 100 lbs since high school I have packed on my poor small framed 5' 6" body! It leveled of though and I met my knight in shinig armor my Mykel who has loved me through and through just the way I am and who is Daddy to all four of my children the two oldest being only 2 and 1 when he came into the picture fully believe he is Daddy. Over the last 4 years (we say 10 for our older two's sake) of marriage I have been so blessed and happy. I've not gained a lb but I've not dropped either. It truly has been easy to overlook how badly I hate my body and hate the fact that I wear oh my gosh here it goes a 3x 22/24 yup and weight in at 249 lbs. I said it out loud yep that's right it is just down right awful....family history of Diabetis has started creeping into my mind. Did you know that diabetis caused blindness?? It does and well I want to live to be at least 102 and I want to SEE my great grandbabies not just feel their sweet faces...so I have bravely started a new season of life. I am cutting as much sugar and carbs from my diet as possible (you get a few here and there in good ways like greek yogert or a few in veggies) and I have started exercising! I've been so busy with the kids and life that I have forgotten that I really am worth it. It is ok for me to love me. I'm not the cause of Gracie's death nor the abuse I've taken at the hand of men nor the reason I've been walked out on. None of the bad things that have happened nor have been done to me are my fault! It has all been part of a plan and God has allowed it to get me to a point I've not been at in YEARS. I'm beautiful inside. I really am. I deserve to be healthy and to take the 30 min to a hour each day to exercise for my health!! I had my hubby take pictures of me in just a sports bra and those little shorts. NOT a pleasant sight let me tell you but I did it as a documantation. So I can take them every month to look and see how far I've come on my journey. How much God in heaven is helping me remold me! I have a goal now. I know how much I'm suppose to weigh. I should strive for 147. So 102 lbs from now I shall be just that! I will do and work to get to my goal to get healthy to be the person God created me to be. If I keep eating healthy and working out every day and this is what I stay but am healthy with great blood sugars even on stressful days then ok but I do not think that is what will happen. I doubt anyone will read this as I never blog but I will know it is here I will update it I will put my weight in the sub each time. Feeling proud of what I am doing and who I am on my journey to being.

how to know

Ok so my mom and I were talking today about shows. When is it wrong to watch something. You know in your heart what they are talkign about or saying is wrong. Even if it is funny or entertaining you know in your spirit they are making SIN seem light hearted and funny. Yet it isn't either of those things at all. Am I saying that I agree with their sin that it is ok because I'm not doing those things to watch others?? Where is the line to be drawn. I know that I am VERY picky about what I let the kids watch. Should I not watch it as well? I just don't know the answer to it all. I know I want to be a good and faithful servent to the Lord and want him to be pleased with me always.

Ok also I just have to say some people in this world are just straight up stupid! I mean just beyond belief stupid. I sit and think to myself is there even a BRAIN IN YOUR HEAD?? I mean really truly. I can not even begin to express how thankful I am that i am not one of those stupid people. LOL ok feel better now.

just have to write again

My goodness two nights in a row that I am actually blogging! I can't help myself though. My husband and I just watched the most depressing horrid movie EVER well I'm not sure if ever but pretty darn close! It was called Revolutionary Road. I found myself just hoping God please let this get better. *warning do not continue to read if you plan on watching it and don't want it spoiled* I knew from the get go she was going to kill herself/accidently die something like that. Just kinda predictable on that account for me at least. It was so tragic. The thing that got me the most was she was truly so CRAZY in the head. She just couldn't be satisfied with the wonderful things she did have in life. The guy now granted he did cheat on her and that was HORRID but he truly loved her and was trying to do his best! I mean Lord lord he wanted to provide for his wife and family to take care of them. All because she couldn't move off to paris and have a job there she goes and has a home abortion and dies! Why couldn't she be thankful for the blessing of a child and the blessing of a husband that loved her and wanted to be there and take care of her and the children. She couldn't be happy just living life she wanted to "BE SOMEBODY" well ya know what we ARE ALL SOMEBODY! Even the lowest of the low joe shmoo at your work place or the mommy of 4 with sometimes clean hair lol the jobless the homeless the crazy man...even bad people like irs people and collectors and murderes and all that they are somebody. We will ALL give an account someday before God for how we lived our life and the things we did in it and the thankfulness of our heart fot the things he gave us even the challanges! I know I'm bad at spelling and grammer when I blog most the time and I know it usually doesn't flow and that it's not usually all cool and whimsy filled and yadda yadda...but I have to write about things on my heart....and that movie just put back in my heart what has been there for so long BE HAPPY for what you HAVE and do not POUT over things you WISH you had! God will give us all we need!

life love and the chasing happiness

Yes yes I know my blogs are few and far between but I just have to tonight. For the past year and a month I have had basically no kitchen....I've learned how to do with little you could say lol. My sweet and most beloved husband had this grand idea to build me this awesome kitchen that would be just "the best thing ever" he said. Well, LIFE happened. His hours got cut his pay got cut he then got LAID OFF. LOL sooooo the kitchen kinda fell off to the way side and that little dream seemed to be put on hold foreverish lol.

BUT in the meantime we had little Liam and wondered how are we gonna get a van. LOVE happened a little birdie who'd not want to be named gave us the money to get a van. With the understanding we could pay them back at tax time and such. This was the biggest deal to us I mean it just gave us such a faith builder and the boost we needed to feel uplifted. We also around that time found out about the Duggars. They have been a HUGE inspiration to us as have the Bates. The more we read about them and watched them the more we just felt so moved by God to start trusting in him in ALL aspects of our lives. Of course that brings those who would judge us and bla...BUT that doesn't matter because we know that our hearts are set on the Lord and this his timing and his alone will decide all things in our lives. From apart from him we can do nothing AMEN?

Ok so we have placed our faith in God on how many and when our children shall come. It is what he has put on us to do. Ya know what I've been so happy and so less stressed since doing so. Not just children but EVERY part of our lives. Things just fall into place and he continues to lead and guide us in every thing we do and see. Even our children have drawn closer to him and say we should thank God for doing this for us.

The one thing that still just seemed out of reach was you guessed it the KITCHEN lol ...but ya know what I decided to not let it take away my HAPPINESS and guess what.....about two weeks maybe 3 God gave us money to start working on the rebuild of the kitchen!! Right after I said ok I'm just gonna put this in your hands again, let go and be happy no matter if I wash dishes in the bath tub for the rest of my life...and there it came and HUGE gift to us. Tonight I washed dishes in my kitchen sink and began to put things way in my new cabinets! What a gift what an awesome feeling. What a mighty God we serve.

The next time you feel down or see someone around you feeling down or sorry for themselves say to them you know what god has given us Life, Love, and Happiness! It's all provided by HIM and him alone. You don't need a spouse, kids, great job, money, huge home...NOPE you just need him and your faith and trust in him.

forgive and forgetting...

Ok so I have a lot from my past to forgive...my not being able to forget seems at times to make it so hard to keep it forgave lol know what I mean...I'm sure you don't I'm sure I'm the only one out there that can harbor a grudge...whatever that is such hogwash we all have a hard time with this. I think it is one of the reasons it is talked about so often in the bible..

My husband and I have been doing this book called the Love Dare..AMAZING! We just have been so moved and strengthened even more by reading it. It touches on not only your marriage love and relationship but all forms of love and relationships.

Forgiveness was a very recent chapter. It is also something I read about recently in the Duggars 20 and counting book. He said something so amazing to me. He said "forgive before that person even asks for it and do something nice for them even. It will make it easier on you to forget and to not harbor bitterness. Who knows maybe your kind act will be the one thing to set them free or to bring them that much closer to salvation." BOY THAT IS HARD THERE JIM BOB!!! But ya know what it is complete TRUTH! I have been so humbled lately but reading their book and by the love dare. It get's easy at times to start thinking we know a little something but hey we really just DON'T!

So their are four people in my past three of which I have to deal with on a rather regular basis that have hurt me or my husband and in turn that hurts me so deeply that it truly just haunted me and was making me become a bitter bitter person! I am not that person I have always been loving and gentle and wanted the best for others. But these people well first off they are the type that NEVER say sorry and it is ALWAYS my fault or my husbands fault. They just can't take responsibilty for their own wrongs ya know what I mean. Yet as I read about forgiveness it was sayiing when you truly forgive and let go you will feel sorrow for those people and see that they must have brokeness in themselves to be and do the things they do and that you will be able to start praying for them instead of well hating them. So that is what I am doing. I have chosen to 100% forgive all from my past especially those four and to hence forth pray for them. That they might be saved or return to the Lord if they ever truly knew him before. I will pray that they will be able to be made whole and not suffer a fate of never knowing the comfort of having a God that loves them and wants to hold them and to lead them down paths of joy! Because by doing that it will be me practicing forgiveness and I know that God will be faithful and oventually I will feel that forgiveness and won't feel bitterness and won't have a part of my mind that says "grrr I'd just love to smack him or her or man they don't deserve this pray or joy" because fokes bottom line is we ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. In every day talk aint none of us perfect buddy and we want God to forgive us so we best get to forgiving others.