Me and my journey to a NEW me

Ok sooo I started gaining weight after my first failed engagement. It was so silly of me to ever even date the guy. I was still so wounded and what I thought was in love with my ex-boy friend. It ended up being a terrible and abusive relationship...never told any really had bad it was. I would actually lay awake and night and try to figure out how I'd save enough money to run away from him after we got married. Well, once he left me 3 weeks before the wedding though I was embarressed and hurt from all he'd put me through I was SO relieved. I ended up dating an old high school sweet heart for a long while. It was a great time in that we were great friends and he took me just as I was bags I brought alone and all lol. BAD part was that they were all ya know 6'5" and thought me to skinny so we ate all the time lol I mean seriously all the time. So I packed on 40 lbs! We split on good enough terms just realized how different we were and how much we wanted out of life was soooo completely different. So I was doing a good job at least staying the same when I left for college was there a year got married and immediatly got pregnant with my sweet sweet Kelly Grace. That is a complete story in of it's own, but she passed away only a few short moments after she was born. It ripped my heart and soul from me. I fell into a dark whole of depression and gained about 20 more lbs. Yet then came my sweet sweet M the joy of my life back in my heart. I thought life was going great until I found a letter in my coat pocket....3 days before christmas and 2 weeks before then husbands return from Korea...it was a letter to his mistress which he had written on the plane to see me while I was giving birth to M....my world crumbled yet I despretely wanted a Father for my daughter did not want the big D in my life...so I said lets work past this and got pregnant immediatly upon his return for him to six weeks later say to me married life and daddy life wasn't for him walk out my door get in my car drive off through his ring out the window as he drove off never to return. So ya the next 2 years of my life were very hard. Times I would cry myself to sleep to wake up crying again. I packed on an amazing 40 more lbs. If you've kept track that is an amazing 100 lbs since high school I have packed on my poor small framed 5' 6" body! It leveled of though and I met my knight in shinig armor my Mykel who has loved me through and through just the way I am and who is Daddy to all four of my children the two oldest being only 2 and 1 when he came into the picture fully believe he is Daddy. Over the last 4 years (we say 10 for our older two's sake) of marriage I have been so blessed and happy. I've not gained a lb but I've not dropped either. It truly has been easy to overlook how badly I hate my body and hate the fact that I wear oh my gosh here it goes a 3x 22/24 yup and weight in at 249 lbs. I said it out loud yep that's right it is just down right awful....family history of Diabetis has started creeping into my mind. Did you know that diabetis caused blindness?? It does and well I want to live to be at least 102 and I want to SEE my great grandbabies not just feel their sweet faces...so I have bravely started a new season of life. I am cutting as much sugar and carbs from my diet as possible (you get a few here and there in good ways like greek yogert or a few in veggies) and I have started exercising! I've been so busy with the kids and life that I have forgotten that I really am worth it. It is ok for me to love me. I'm not the cause of Gracie's death nor the abuse I've taken at the hand of men nor the reason I've been walked out on. None of the bad things that have happened nor have been done to me are my fault! It has all been part of a plan and God has allowed it to get me to a point I've not been at in YEARS. I'm beautiful inside. I really am. I deserve to be healthy and to take the 30 min to a hour each day to exercise for my health!! I had my hubby take pictures of me in just a sports bra and those little shorts. NOT a pleasant sight let me tell you but I did it as a documantation. So I can take them every month to look and see how far I've come on my journey. How much God in heaven is helping me remold me! I have a goal now. I know how much I'm suppose to weigh. I should strive for 147. So 102 lbs from now I shall be just that! I will do and work to get to my goal to get healthy to be the person God created me to be. If I keep eating healthy and working out every day and this is what I stay but am healthy with great blood sugars even on stressful days then ok but I do not think that is what will happen. I doubt anyone will read this as I never blog but I will know it is here I will update it I will put my weight in the sub each time. Feeling proud of what I am doing and who I am on my journey to being.